FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
