Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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