when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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