Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize