Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
