Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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