were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i used baking grease as lip gloss
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
