She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
