I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
