Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize