dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize