Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
