Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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