my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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