Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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