I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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