my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
