i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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