I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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