was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
