he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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