can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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