No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize