community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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