The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I can't turn off my feet"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
