I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
