Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
