u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
