Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
