HIV tests are more positive than that guy
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Vodka?
Forever.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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