I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
