Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
