you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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