i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
