I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
