WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i dont even know how to be here
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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