I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
