I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
