DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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