Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
