I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
