I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
