mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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