Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
