Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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