And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
