Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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