i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
