yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
