I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
