You made me cry and you don't even care
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize