You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
