the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
