I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize