not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
