would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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