Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
