you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
