One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
