you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
