she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
