Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
