Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
