I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
where are you?
Hypothermia
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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